you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
