i was rollin on her like bob the builder
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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