so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
