I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
