I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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