Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
