god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Randomize
