It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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