I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
