420 ftw
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
