Taylor Swift is so right about you.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
