Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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