I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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