last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
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