You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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