Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
we're making bets on your personal life
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Randomize
