someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
