i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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