If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
where does the pee come out of this thing
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Please don't give away my fajitas
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
