If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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