I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
