if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
