I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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