someone threw a dead crab at me
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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