Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
