The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize