Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
