So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
