I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
