i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
