I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
