Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize