the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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