I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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