dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
