I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize