I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
