Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
