pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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