The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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