Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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