How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize