im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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