I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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