too bad you live with your parents still
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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