The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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