I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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