If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize