I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
