Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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