Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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