Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I stole a fireplace last night.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize