I love black thongs
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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