we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I would ride that face into the sunset
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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