So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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