I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
