I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
