I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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