you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
