There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
