I could make wine with my vomit
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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