idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Everyone says I win the strip club
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
