awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
