Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
